“You must wonder why I'm so relentless and all strung out …I'm consumed by the chill of solitary”

I am in therapy with a new psychologist called Eduard. I really like him. He is kind of weird and he uses pretty aggressive techniques. He has me crying everyday, I have to carry on a binnacle and I don’t have to use the fight-to-fight response but let the panic go away alone “always looked good on paper … sounded good in theory”…

I am being disciplined because if I miss my half hour of daily cry I certainly feel really bad. Weird? Yes! Works? Yes! The important thing is where from those tears come. I am dealing with therapies since 20 years and it is difficult to find your “other half” and I don’t know yet if Eduard is, what I really know is that I need him badly.

My self-esteem … well actually I don’t have too much, decreased like world economy, I have to work on it. I will keep crying, writing, saying out to every negative thought and enjoying life.

Two marriages, two children, two divorces, too many two …. Hope to break one soon : ))

With a murderous glint in my eyes (between murder and diplomacy)

There are so many ways of murder and so many other weapons than bombs and guns. You can shoot and kill somebody with words and acts so I wonder how to impose the so-called " lex talionis " in these particular cases.
Not that I want to make a statement supporting the "An eye for an eye" but it was considered by Babylonian law and many religions as the one I "follow" but I don't agree too much with Jesus with the "If anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also" Not anymore ¬¬
I neither want an endless cycle of violence just like it was reflected in the Hammurabi Code, to restrict compensation to the value of the loss.
So again with a murderous glint in my eyes and uncontrollable thirst for vengeance I wonder in order to compensate for , how can I value a harm to my children prompted by their own father?

I better keep my thoughts to myself....

PS: Siéntate pacientemente junto al río, y verás pasar flotando el cadáver de tu enemigo :))

Always looked good on paper sounded good in theory...

Bittersweet moments.
Moon and sun, stones and clouds, smiles and sorrow... all came together.
Since I am having “Citalopram” I am feeling way better and getting back to my normal life even more I can say, I am enjoying. Went to “my” Switzerland where time seems to stop, where cities has no semaphores and bycicles has no watchfulness.
I am also pampering mysefl receiving relaxing massages, sleeping like a marmot and walking every day which is a good start.

The issue turning me insane, a sort of obsesion, a blind alley is that I hate the place where I am living and this is not good at all. I really want to get out of here this is not the place I want not for me nor for my children. I remember Louise Hay saying when you move, move to a place plenty of love and you will find love, obviously if you moved into a place plenty of anger and bad-mannered people what are you going to find?
I need a “search & replace” a “reboot” since I am formating my “hard disk” of so many things that I do not need in my life as certain kind of people, material things, and memories, actually I am having lot of free space in it to fill up with new experiences.

The whole point of getting things done is knowing what to leave undone.





Please last one to leave switch off the lights so nobody can see my lonely soul... Can anybody find meeeeeeeeeee (...to fill....) :P

And in the meantime I lost myself, I'm sorry I lost myself..I am...

I am desperate and I do not mind to say it.When I reach this level of anxiety and I feel so thin-skinned I can not act, I am stuck, I can not think.Notwithstanding my daily panic attacks and all sort of stress symptoms as unreality feelings, tachycardia, confusion I keep fighting against this fucking monster since 19 years. Sometimes people did not realize the pain that suffer people like me that apparently have nothing because is not visible, if you anything visible-palpable like do not have a leg or an arm "you have something" but if is there slowly killing you, torturing, making you feel unimaginable bad felling and it is not visible people tend to not to understand. Sadly there are many people who understand me because they lived or live this very same situation, my heart, my "everything" to them. The thing that I decided to quit antidepressants and to try many others alternative ways to calm down, listening to Louise Hay, Jacobson and Schultz methods to relax, tons of chamomile and other herbs and since a month or so I am just going down and can not find a way to feel good for a minute.

I am enjoying life is not that I am a suicidal person, sometimes I just use to sing "Because suicide is painless, it brings on many changes, and I can take or leave it if I please" which is the closest I have been to suicide -word- furthermore I have two reasons to keep fighting but should not be my own person the reason to keep fighting & living?

As my sister use to say and I love the expression "mierdatetaculocoño" or "shittitasspussy" I wish I could calm this angry voice but I can not!I would like to punch somebody's face in... well more then one face :) Wow I finished with a smile...is that good? I think so..

And in the meantime I lost myself, I'm sorry I lost myself..I am...

I am desperate and I do not mind to say it.When I reach this level of anxiety and I feel so thin-skinned I can not act, I am stucked, I can not think.
Notwithstanding my daily panic attacks and all sort of stress symptoms as unreality feelings, tachycardia, confusion I keep fighting against this fucking monster since 19 years. Sometimes people did not realize the pain that suffer people like me that apparently have nothing because is not visible, if you anything visible-palpable like do not have a leg or an arm "you have something" but if is there slowly killing you, torturing, making you feel unimaginable bad felling and it is not visible people tend to not to understand. Sadly there are many people who understand me because they lived or live this very same situation, my heart, my "everything" to them. The thing that I decided to quit antidepressants and to try many others alternative ways to calm down, listening to Louise Hay, Jacobson and Schultz methods to relax, tons of camomille and other herbs and since a month or so I am just going down and can not find a way to feel good for a minute.
I am enjoying life is not that I am a suicidal person, sometimes I just use to sing "Because suicide is painless, it brings on many changes, and I can take or leave it if I please" which is the closest I have been to suicide -word- furthermore I have two reasons to keep fighting but should not be my own person the reason to keep fighting & living?
As my sister use to say and I love the expression "mierdatetaculocoño" or "shittitasspussy" I wish I could calm this angry voice but I can not!
I would like to punch somebody's face in... well more then one face :) Wow I finished with a smile...is that good? I think so..

If I accept a limiting belief, then it will become a truth for me…

And if I accept fear as halt mechanism it will become a truth as well. In the last years and as part of the Panic Disorder I suffer since 19 years, I have developed fear of flying. I am facing up a 14 hours non-stop flight to The States therefore practicing anxiety-relieving self help techniques in order to reduce my total dependence to “legal drugs” and disgusting anxiety symptoms.

On the one hand I am trying my best to visualize myself meeting some friends and new interesting people, going to concerts and events (specially Louise Hay one) enjoying, but on the other hand thinking about it involve more possibilities of having anxiety problems, so “Drama Queen” dilemma is how to find the balance. I am very excited about meeting Louise Hay, I’ve spent many years listening to her, I love to hear her relaxing voice instead of reading her (yeah I am also a “Lazy Bitch” have you only just heard?)

I need distance. Is not that I am running away from problems because they come with me everywhere I go, but is going to be cool being out of routine, responsibilities, timetables and so on despite of flights and the minus 9 hours time zone …

So… everything is going to be alright and I am going to celebrate B. H. Obama’ victory ‘cause Yes, We Can ;-)))))

Msg. You know that I am going to have it my way or nothing at all, and NO, I am not moving too fast!

And I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this

I realized that I was not able to love, gradually I learn to unlove me therefore I forgot how to love.After that, without notice it, unconsciously and freightening, I teach you how not to love me.

There is no difference you know, all kind of loneliness are exactly the same. Everything falls down with an icy silence, never mind, there is no fucking difference. Your words and silences sounds identical to me. You keep moving around my stillness, in the meantime I keep looking at you out of the corner of my eye, observing your movements carefully.

I found a love letter, handwritten and it was not your writing (sadly) I felt loved and I also found lots of answers I was looking for since a long time. "I am sitting here, watching you taking a nap and barely keeping myself from crying...being with you is intoxicating, whether we were holding hands, talking or in each other's hands... (and finish with a predictable) I love you very much Carina" It is a sweet and marvellous letter that I won't share becuase his present circumstances but I would love to.

I wonder what happened since then, who teach me to unlove me? who had the ability to made me so unsexy, unloved, UNINVITED...

Memories... where can I save some of my memories in order to forget them? I do not want to forget the author of this letter nor the time with spent since I will always love him as a very important phase of my life. I would love to forget how to unlove me and learn how to love me again in order to teach you how to love me :)))

I want to send a clear message, it is not that I can not live without you it is just that I DO NOT WANT TO! I am here... waiting ... you know that I hate silence....

PS. Well I am going to be in Rome 'till next Thursday anyways you can reach me.. always!